Hard things

In a couple days I'll be 11 weeks along. So far I've lost 10 pounds and throw up on average about 4-5 times a day. I have a picc line, so I'm able to receive medication through an IV as well as fluids. I typically do 2 bags of fluids a day, and medication every 6-8 hours. It's been hard.

I've been thinking a lot about that concept- going through hard things. Something that has been on my mind a lot with this is that I know that God wants us to have children. When Rob and I were married we made a covenant with God that we would bring children into this world. So... if having children is a good thing, something we've been commanded to do, why has Heavenly Father made it so hard?

I know we all have these types of challenges in life. From the teenager who wants to follow the guidelines of having good friends with good values but can't seem to make them, the young adult who wants to get married but hasn't found their companion yet, to the parents who desire to have children but are unable to conceive, to the parents who want peace and harmony at home. These are all good, righteous things. Why then are they so hard?

You know that quote (or saying, because I'm sorry, nowhere in scripture does Christ say this) that is thrown around a lot... "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." That quote has always kind of bugged me. Well OF COURSE it's going to be worth it. But just because you tell me that something that is hard is going to be worth it is not reason enough for me to endure it. I'm way too human to be able to endure difficult things only by thinking about the end prize. 

One thing that has been reafffirmed to me throughout these past weeks is that difficult experiences in life are not about us getting through it. It's about us going through it, and coming out a better person in the end (and getting that prize). I've had some very sacred moments over the past several weeks. I've felt comforted, loved, and lifted up. I've learned the importance of a positive attitude, of selflessness, of service, and most importantly, the source of a strength that I wasn't sure I had. 

I've experienced priesthood blessings where I have felt peace beyond words. I've had my sweet three year old son rest his head on my shoulder as I've thrown up for the third time in a matter of hours, and tell me he loves me as he rubs my back. Afterwords, he wiped a tear from my face. I've had my amazing husband stand by me and help me through every moment of this pregnancy with so much love and support. He's prayed for me to receive relief late at night when I can't sleep, and that relief has come. We've had meals brought in three times a week. I've received help from my mother who always knows exactly what I need without me needing to tell her. And I've been blessed by numberless people offering their love and compassion, truly honoring their baptismal covenants of "comforting those that stand in need of comfort." 

With all of that, it's still hard. I can't honestly say whether I'll ever be able to do this again. But I'm so grateful for all the sacred moments I've experienced so far, and I'm grateful for the additional ones I'll have. I am excited for the end result. I'm also excited about the person I'll be once I'm on the other side of this hard thing.

Update

So we have some exciting news to share... we are expecting! We're excited to add another child to our family. My due date is March 19th, which is a really long way off. I'm only seven weeks along, but for health reasons we chose to tell our family and friends our good news.

Many of you know how my pregnancy with Ryan went. It was pretty much awful. Unfortunately, this time around is no different. I've been in the Hospital twice this week to receive IV's and am on medication. This week has been better than last as I've been able to keep at least one thing down each day. But I'm very weak, sick, tired and dizzy. It's been hard.

I had what we like to call in my religion, a "tender mercy" today. This morning during my doctor appointment they had to draw some blood, but I was so dehydrated that they struggled finding a good vein. It took them three tries before getting it to work. I'm a wimp when it comes to needles, so I was miserable. About two hours later I went to Woodwinds hospital to get an IV, which meant that I had to get stuck again. I was dreading it, and close to tears. However- the nurse was amazing, and was able to get me in one shot. I told her how grateful I was and what a great nurse she is. She told me that it was because she prayed before she came over. Not going to lie, it made me cry. What a wonderful woman.

Here is a shot of my beautiful arm:

And here is a shot of my wonderful, supportive husband:

I'm going to continue to need IV's, but the great news is that tomorrow they are setting me up with a picc line, which will basically give nurses constant access without having to stick me every time I need an IV. I'll also be set up with a home health nurse, which will be wonderful.

I have a long way to go before I'll be back to my usual self. Can't wait for the next 33 weeks to be over. We knew all along that we were running the risk of having this kind of pregnancy again, but it was time for us to grow our family. We love you and thank you for your prayers and support.

Becoming all we can become

Hi Readers,

It's been a long time since I've posted. A lot has transpired over the summer. Our family is very happy and doing well. I won't bore you with details, but just say that we are grateful and happy with our life and little family.

The biggest piece of news for us is this: My dear husband was accepted to the Nursing Program! For those who don't know, we have applied two years in a row, and received rejections two years in a row now. I don't think I need to go into too much detail to explain how hard this is been on our family. Rob takes his responsibility of provider for our family very seriously and is doing all he can to prepare himself to take on that responsibility fully, as soon as possible. For me, it was difficult watching him struggle, second guess himself, and we both struggled with our faith.

Rob is one of the most studious people I've ever met. He LOVES the medical field, and can't get enough of his studies. He works so hard and I'm so proud of him. We couldn't understand why we were turned down twice. Our future family is reliant upon him getting in and through the program, and it was so hard to see our plans being pushed back. Many tears were shed and many confused and heartfelt prayers were said, along with much fasting.

Then, out of nowhere, our prayer was answered. Before I tell this story, I will testify to you that I KNOW Heavenly Father stepped into our lives and made this happen for us. I know that beyond any shadow of a doubt. He loves us and knows our desires.

Here is the story:
Rob was on the waiting list to get into the Spring program, which starts in January. 50 people are admitted to that track, and he was number 18 on the waiting list. We figured there was NO way the list would dwindle that far down, so we either needed to wait until next year, or he needed to move on and choose a different career path. We were leaning towards the first option, but were exploring the second. All throughout this time, Rob was in close contact with the individual who handled nursing admissions for the school he wanted to attend. They got to know each other, and he definitely made an impression.

About three weeks ago, Rob heard from the admissions counselor that the waiting list had dwindled down so far the list that he was one person away from getting in. So many people had decided to go to other schools or had turned down their position for some reason or another. There was one final spot to be claimed, and there was one person standing between Rob and that position. We prayed and held out hope that the individual had made other plans or wouldn't accept.

A few days later, Rob learned that they did accept the position, and all 50 spots were filled. The admissions counselor told him this personally, and during this conversation, she explained how impressed she was with him, and how confident she was that he would do a great job in the program. She then told him that she spoke to the dean and asked if the dean would consider opening an extra spot in the program for Rob. And the dean agreed to do so!

We were overcome by this news. Rob called me immediately and told me the story. I was at work, and I broke down into tears. I had to force myself not to think about it for the rest of the day so I could concentrate at work and not break down crying in my meetings. I was SO grateful and humbled. Later that day, when he picked me up from the bus stop, we just hugged each other, overcome with gratitude. It was a feeling of humility and recognition that God played a hand in our lives.

I know He loves us. Here is a major lesson I learned in this process:

Here in our mortal journey, we get so caught up in life and our plans and desires, and we forget the whole point we are here on earth. It's not about checking off our to-do list, or meeting our time table, or fulfulling all the temporal hopes and dreams we have. It's about becoming that individual our Father in Heaven knows we have the capacity to become. He tries us and tests us, and sometimes waits to answer prayers. But that isn't because our plans aren't good ones, or because He doesn't care. It's because going through that experience will help us become someone better, someone more faithful, someone more humble, and someone more dedicated and grateful.

Rob and I will not take this for granted. I know he will work harder than he's ever worked before, just to show his gratitude for this opportunity. We will always remember this. And because we didn't get admitted when we had planned or hoped to, we have been able to take part in so much. Rob has been able to bond so deeply with Ryan. I've grown and learned so much in my job, but being a working mother will make me appreciate so much more the opportunity I will have to be a full time, stay at home mother. We now live in Minnesota, and have had amazing opportunities here to help us in personal times of need. Those needs could not have been met in our situation before coming here. These are just a few, small details of what we have experienced and learned over the past two years. The more personal and sacred experiences I will not share here.

God does love us, and he has wonderful plans for us. But those plans are long term ones that go beyond this veil. I am grateful that He is all knowing and loving and willing help us understand that as we continue our life here on earth.

Still no picts

Sorry, still no picts, but here is an update:

-Rob didn't get into nursing school. No, we don't know why, but we heard that only about 10% of the applicants got in. Yes, we are a bit depressed about it. No, we don't exactly know what's next. No, we're not giving up on this plan. No, we don't want to answer questions about it. We'll share our plans when we have them. :) We are grateful for trials and are trying to have faith that all will go well.

-I ran a 5K last week. An awesome experience, I was so proud of myself. I don't think I've ever done anything like that for the kind of reasons I did it. It was totally and completely for myself. Not to impress anyone, not to meet expectations, not to get into a good school or get a good job or anything like that. I did it because I wanted to. I half expected that I would give up (I'm so not athletic) because I rarely have much endurance for things that I do for just myself. So I got a little emotional when I crossed the finish line. Or at least, i thought it was the finish line. Actually it wasn't. I still had about a 1/4 of a mile to go. So then my state of emotion transferred to a bit of anger that I wasn't done. But I made it. It was great.

-Ryan is 10 months old. He crawls all over, and cruises along the edge of the couch. His first official word/phrase is uh-oh. He loves to drop his pacifier, or sippy cup, or bottle, or anything he's holding and say uh-oh. It's pretty cute. He's pretty close to saying bye bye and understanding that the syllables da-da mean daddy, but we're not quite there yet. He hasn't even said ma-ma yet, but don't worry, I'm not bitter. Not like I gave birth to him or anything. :) J/K. He knows his mommy. I love the bond we have, and I love him. More than I can ever describe on a blog.

Happy Spring!

Update

So I promise that I will soon post pictures, I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've posted. In my defense, I am working full time and don't get home usually until after 6 pm. That leaves me with maybe about 1 1/2 hours with my baby each day, so sorry, this just isn't a priority. We are doing great! Ryan is now 9 months old and is crawling all over and is as cute as ever. We're so happy to have such a wonderful son. He basically refuses to eat baby food (of course, he started doing that the day that I bought like 25 jars) and only wants grown up food. Unfortunately, that's limited to noodles, crackers, cheese, and pieces of the occasional mandarin orange slice. We're working on expanding his appetite, which is hard with no teeth (I know, right? 9 months old, any day now, bud!) so our selection is pretty limited. Tator tot casserole (gross!) went over pretty well with him the other night. Guess I'll have to start liking that. We've been waiting and waiting to hear whether or not Rob got accepted to the nursing program. We were told that we'd probably hear 6-8 weeks after his application deadline (which was Feb 1st), but the eight week mark came and went and no word. We've heard that people that didn't get in find out first, so no news yet is good news. I'm certainly hoping. The nursing department chair told Rob that he should have no problem getting in, so I told him he'd better hold her to that. We're so excited for him to start the program, one step closer to him reaching his goal and me not having to leave my baby boy each day (which is so hard). I'm working towards running a 5k at the end of this month. I'm up to interval running at just over 2 miles, so hoping to reach my goal. It feels good to say "I'm a runner." I've enjoyed pushing myself and am starting to see results. I try to get away from my desk at lunch time to go work out at the Y that's in downtown Minneapolis (about a 5 minute walk through the skyway), but it doesn't always happen. Next time I get a chance, pictures will be posted! Hopefully soon, Ryan has gotten so dang cute. He likes to look at you and move his head from side to side almost like he's dancing, but I think it's him just being happy. And he pulls himself up everywhere he goes and is actually getting pretty close to being able to stand without holding onto something. He is a busy boy.

Happy Holidays! Sorry I've been so bad at updating this. A few big things have transpired since I last wrote. Shortly after Halloween, Rob found out that he was layed off from work. Which meant we were jobless. It was a really stressful time for us. But Heavenly Father helped us make it through, and December 1st we both started jobs. Rob is working a seasonal job as package/mail sorter at the MSP airport with the post office, and I am working as a contractor for Target Headquarters in their Marketing Dept. Grammy is taking care of Ryan for us, which has been a huge blessing. We're VERY grateful for her and our jobs. We're looking forward to this opportunity to get our debts paid off and be more financially secure.

Thanksgiving was fun for us, we had the opportunity to go to Utah and spend the holiday with Rob's family. His brother Royce wanted the family to be together so he was generous enough to pay for us to come out there. Rob's father has been having some major health issues, so it was a wonderful blessing to be together. It was quite the event, with all of Rob's siblings (9 in all), all the grandkids (24 in all), and spouses and Rob's parents together. I believe all but 3 of the grandkids are under the age of 10, so it was pure chaos most of the time, but still fun.


Below are a few pictures showing off how cute Ryan is getting and other exciting events...

This is a picture of the snowstorm Minnesota just experienced. Due to snow plows, the snow drifts and mounds were above my head. We received nearly 2 feet of snow in a matter of 24 hours. It was incredible.

Ryan just getting better and better at sitting up. Today he sat up all on his own without any support for nearly a minute. He loves sampling whatever we're willing to feed him. His favorite "real food" is mashed pototoes. Don't tell his pediatrician I feed it to him. He's sucking on a cracker in this picture.

I recently turned 25 (nov. 3rd)! Still so young...

This is Ryan in his church clothes. He's not to happy at this moment. I sure love him!

We hope your holiday preparations go well and you all have time to remember the joy and true meaning of this season. I have been reflecting lately about how Mary must have felt when she was told she would be the mother of the Savior of the world. And then the moment when she first held Him in her arms. It was an overwhelming experience for me when I first held Ryan, and I can only imagine what she went through. I am so grateful that I have been given a child of our Father in Heaven to raise, and that He had entrusted such a sweet, wonderful boy to me. We are all His children, and He loves us dearly. As parents, He entrusts us with His children and relies upon us to raise them up unto Him. What a responsibility. Yet such great joy comes from doing this. I am truly grateful for my little family.

Happy Halloween!

We had a great halloween this year! It was fun to dress Ryan up and attend our ward party. He is an adorable little guy. Grandma Green sent Ryan a superman costume, so Rob and I decided to dress up as superbaby's mom and dad... Lois Lane and Clark Kent. My costume was pretty lame, but Rob's helped tip people off.



At one point I was asked if I was a librarian. Not so much. Thanks though, cuz I've worn that outfit to work before. At the end of the night Rob lost the shirt and tie and just had the superman shirt on and perched the glasses on top of his head. Ryan was off with his Grammy. We then were asked if we were the nerdy couple or something. Guess it's time to update our wardrobes.

Ryan is getting so big, he's just adorable. Grandpa taught him how to do raspberries, which is his favorite thing to do when we're feeding him. Yes, we've added rice cereal to his diet, which is definitely a treat to feed him. (Not so much, over half of it ends up all over your hands and all over him). The other day I tried out some baby food on him (carrots!) and he just loved it, he wanted more and more. Here is a picture of the delightful mess he made:

He certainly makes us laugh! Tomorrow he'll be four months old, which is crazy. He likes to do these stomach crunches, where when he's laying down he'll completely lift his head and legs up and sit in that position forever, longer than I can do it. Rob figured out a little trick, he'll hold the pacifier just inches away from Ryan's mouth when he's laying on the floor, and Ryan will do a tummy crunch to reach up to the pacifier and get it in his mouth. It's hilarious. Grammy and I joke that he's trying to get a six pack of abs before he starts nursery so he can impress all the girls. He really is a flirt, at church or in any public setting, if he's in a good mood, he want to look around and give everyone adorable little smiles and get them to coo all over him. Kind of a distraction in relief society! We sure love him!