Sunday, August 25, 2013

Hard things

In a couple days I'll be 11 weeks along. So far I've lost 10 pounds and throw up on average about 4-5 times a day. I have a picc line, so I'm able to receive medication through an IV as well as fluids. I typically do 2 bags of fluids a day, and medication every 6-8 hours. It's been hard.

I've been thinking a lot about that concept- going through hard things. Something that has been on my mind a lot with this is that I know that God wants us to have children. When Rob and I were married we made a covenant with God that we would bring children into this world. So... if having children is a good thing, something we've been commanded to do, why has Heavenly Father made it so hard?

I know we all have these types of challenges in life. From the teenager who wants to follow the guidelines of having good friends with good values but can't seem to make them, the young adult who wants to get married but hasn't found their companion yet, to the parents who desire to have children but are unable to conceive, to the parents who want peace and harmony at home. These are all good, righteous things. Why then are they so hard?

You know that quote (or saying, because I'm sorry, nowhere in scripture does Christ say this) that is thrown around a lot... "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." That quote has always kind of bugged me. Well OF COURSE it's going to be worth it. But just because you tell me that something that is hard is going to be worth it is not reason enough for me to endure it. I'm way too human to be able to endure difficult things only by thinking about the end prize. 

One thing that has been reafffirmed to me throughout these past weeks is that difficult experiences in life are not about us getting through it. It's about us going through it, and coming out a better person in the end (and getting that prize). I've had some very sacred moments over the past several weeks. I've felt comforted, loved, and lifted up. I've learned the importance of a positive attitude, of selflessness, of service, and most importantly, the source of a strength that I wasn't sure I had. 

I've experienced priesthood blessings where I have felt peace beyond words. I've had my sweet three year old son rest his head on my shoulder as I've thrown up for the third time in a matter of hours, and tell me he loves me as he rubs my back. Afterwords, he wiped a tear from my face. I've had my amazing husband stand by me and help me through every moment of this pregnancy with so much love and support. He's prayed for me to receive relief late at night when I can't sleep, and that relief has come. We've had meals brought in three times a week. I've received help from my mother who always knows exactly what I need without me needing to tell her. And I've been blessed by numberless people offering their love and compassion, truly honoring their baptismal covenants of "comforting those that stand in need of comfort." 

With all of that, it's still hard. I can't honestly say whether I'll ever be able to do this again. But I'm so grateful for all the sacred moments I've experienced so far, and I'm grateful for the additional ones I'll have. I am excited for the end result. I'm also excited about the person I'll be once I'm on the other side of this hard thing.


Jon and Caprice said...

You are amazing! I knew that from the moment I met you. I wish we could get together and catch up. Love you, wish you the best, hope you will be visiting the toilet less often. :-)

Sam said...

Life is hard. We all have our own individual unique challenges. We can't always understand what someone else is going through but we can be there for them and just listen to them or give them a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I'm grateful for the people who have brought me comfort and relief when I've so badly needed it.

I'm happy that you around surround by people who love and care for you. Being a mother is one of the sweetest things there is. It is also one of the hardest. I'm so excited for you to get the chance to mother another little one.

Just take it a day or hour or minute at a time. Good luck. It will be hard but worth it. And I'm sorry for what you've gone through.