Hard things

In a couple days I'll be 11 weeks along. So far I've lost 10 pounds and throw up on average about 4-5 times a day. I have a picc line, so I'm able to receive medication through an IV as well as fluids. I typically do 2 bags of fluids a day, and medication every 6-8 hours. It's been hard.

I've been thinking a lot about that concept- going through hard things. Something that has been on my mind a lot with this is that I know that God wants us to have children. When Rob and I were married we made a covenant with God that we would bring children into this world. So... if having children is a good thing, something we've been commanded to do, why has Heavenly Father made it so hard?

I know we all have these types of challenges in life. From the teenager who wants to follow the guidelines of having good friends with good values but can't seem to make them, the young adult who wants to get married but hasn't found their companion yet, to the parents who desire to have children but are unable to conceive, to the parents who want peace and harmony at home. These are all good, righteous things. Why then are they so hard?

You know that quote (or saying, because I'm sorry, nowhere in scripture does Christ say this) that is thrown around a lot... "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." That quote has always kind of bugged me. Well OF COURSE it's going to be worth it. But just because you tell me that something that is hard is going to be worth it is not reason enough for me to endure it. I'm way too human to be able to endure difficult things only by thinking about the end prize. 

One thing that has been reafffirmed to me throughout these past weeks is that difficult experiences in life are not about us getting through it. It's about us going through it, and coming out a better person in the end (and getting that prize). I've had some very sacred moments over the past several weeks. I've felt comforted, loved, and lifted up. I've learned the importance of a positive attitude, of selflessness, of service, and most importantly, the source of a strength that I wasn't sure I had. 

I've experienced priesthood blessings where I have felt peace beyond words. I've had my sweet three year old son rest his head on my shoulder as I've thrown up for the third time in a matter of hours, and tell me he loves me as he rubs my back. Afterwords, he wiped a tear from my face. I've had my amazing husband stand by me and help me through every moment of this pregnancy with so much love and support. He's prayed for me to receive relief late at night when I can't sleep, and that relief has come. We've had meals brought in three times a week. I've received help from my mother who always knows exactly what I need without me needing to tell her. And I've been blessed by numberless people offering their love and compassion, truly honoring their baptismal covenants of "comforting those that stand in need of comfort." 

With all of that, it's still hard. I can't honestly say whether I'll ever be able to do this again. But I'm so grateful for all the sacred moments I've experienced so far, and I'm grateful for the additional ones I'll have. I am excited for the end result. I'm also excited about the person I'll be once I'm on the other side of this hard thing.

Update

So we have some exciting news to share... we are expecting! We're excited to add another child to our family. My due date is March 19th, which is a really long way off. I'm only seven weeks along, but for health reasons we chose to tell our family and friends our good news.

Many of you know how my pregnancy with Ryan went. It was pretty much awful. Unfortunately, this time around is no different. I've been in the Hospital twice this week to receive IV's and am on medication. This week has been better than last as I've been able to keep at least one thing down each day. But I'm very weak, sick, tired and dizzy. It's been hard.

I had what we like to call in my religion, a "tender mercy" today. This morning during my doctor appointment they had to draw some blood, but I was so dehydrated that they struggled finding a good vein. It took them three tries before getting it to work. I'm a wimp when it comes to needles, so I was miserable. About two hours later I went to Woodwinds hospital to get an IV, which meant that I had to get stuck again. I was dreading it, and close to tears. However- the nurse was amazing, and was able to get me in one shot. I told her how grateful I was and what a great nurse she is. She told me that it was because she prayed before she came over. Not going to lie, it made me cry. What a wonderful woman.

Here is a shot of my beautiful arm:

And here is a shot of my wonderful, supportive husband:

I'm going to continue to need IV's, but the great news is that tomorrow they are setting me up with a picc line, which will basically give nurses constant access without having to stick me every time I need an IV. I'll also be set up with a home health nurse, which will be wonderful.

I have a long way to go before I'll be back to my usual self. Can't wait for the next 33 weeks to be over. We knew all along that we were running the risk of having this kind of pregnancy again, but it was time for us to grow our family. We love you and thank you for your prayers and support.